Male Toughness

The concept of men being tough is a consistent theme in media and our society. Boys tend to be taught from an early age to act tough and bottle up their emotions. The reason for this seems to be social norms and always having to prove their masculinity to society. Miss Representation, a film on how women are portrayed in the media, made me reflect on how men are portrayed as well.

We see it in the media. We see it in the news. We see it in our culture. Men have always had emotions. But they haven't always been told that it's acceptable to express those emotions. It’s a matter of socialization, what we learn as children and what we learn as we grow up. Most of the information being fed to us is through the media. Men are supposed to be tough, unemotional, independent, and deal with any problems they may have on their own.

How comfortable are men expressing their emotions? It differs from man to man, child to child. But most men would tell you that they're not comfortable talking about feelings, or that they don't have emotions at all.

For many reasons men have been taught in the past to not express those emotions: to be stoic, to be firm, to be tough, to be strong, not to show feminine traits. The sad reality is that causes a load of internal conflict. It’s a terrible thing that men are told that it’s not acceptable to express their feelings. It’s as if they are trapped. It creates a lot of anger and frustration because those are the only “acceptable” emotions for men to show. 

The social pressure we are putting on our young boys is leading to depression, bad grades, substance abuse, suicide, and violent crimes. This is a film preview for "The Mask You Live In,"directed by Jennifer Siebel Newsom (director of Miss Representation).

The goal of the documentary film is to spark a national conversation about masculinity and create a more equitable society for all. The film ultimately asks the question: as a society, how are we failing our boys? Set to release in late 2014, "The Mask You Live In" attempts to target youth, families, caregivers, coaches, mental health professionals, and society as a whole. 

I'm excited to see a film that finally addresses the way men are portrayed in the media. The societal expectation of proving your masculinity is something that must be changed. I've had personal issues with this growing up and playing sports in American society. 

I specifically remember an experience I had in Little League Baseball at the age of ten. One of the kids on my team struck out, threw his bat, walked back to the dugout, and started crying. But he wasn't just crying, he was bawling, and for several minutes. The first thing my coach said to him was "man up son, baseball has no time for those feelings." I was a little surprised that the coach decided to use that language, rather than trying to comfort the kid and encourage him to do better his next at bat. 

Another experience I had with toughness was in High School basketball. As a sophomore my coach called me "the big P" (short for pussy), in order to "toughen me up." I can't say that this tactic didn't work, because it ultimately made me a stronger basketball player and he stopped the name calling the following season. But I can say there are better tactics than calling a 16 year old a pussy. I remember feeling several emotions that year, and I was forced to keep them to myself. 

Don't get me wrong, sports have taught me several great lessons in life, and I wouldn't be as committed or motivated to be successful without sports. But sports definitely didn't teach me to talk about my problems, issues, or feelings. They taught me to grow up fast, man up, don't be a pussy, keep your emotions bottled up, and forget about the past. All of these emotions are very troubling things for young boys and men and we need to find a solution.

How can we help to change the social norms associated with men so they no longer feel internal conflict?

I believe the most important thing is for boys to have a positive mentor in their life. They should be able to talk to their mentor and be encouraged to do so. Whether it be a family member, coach, teacher, or friend. Just having someone to talk to is the first step in freeing men from emotional conflict. My role model and mentor to this day is my mother. The attitude of always having to prove your toughness is contradicting to what I learned from her growing up and I'm thankful for that. 

Everyone should have someone in their life who they can go to in a time of need. This scene from Coach Carter is a good example of young men coming together and realizing how important their coach and mentor is to them. They grow up and become men not by being tough, but by expressing themselves.

The next step is for world leaders and men in powerful positions (celebrities, politicians, etc.) to step up and address this problem. They need to tell men that it's okay to be open and toughness doesn't mean keeping emotions internally bottled up. Both men and women need to increase their awareness and be more acceptable of those that do show emotion, and encourage men that it's acceptable to do so as well.

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